Review of my 2014 word "Embrace"

Wow. Tomorrow is New Years Eve. 2015 is here. 2014 is gone.

2014 had good and bad, probably more bad, but a lot of good.

Don't worry, my next post will recap all the good and bad and also reveal my 2015 word of the year.

Right now, we will review last years word.

Below is my post/word from last year (prior blog) In red will be my comments.

~~~~~~~~~

Embrace: to welcome and take advantage of something eagerly or willingly.

Here’s to embracing: Being Single. It’s been a little over a year and half since the ex and I split and it’s time to embrace that. It’s a natural human response to physically and emotionally want to be connected to someone and I’ve allowed myself to wallow in that thought process just a little bit too long. So here’s to embracing being single, to putting myself first for once, and to just take relationships as they come instead of seeking them out. I wouldn't say that I fully embraced this, though I have to give myself props. Being single is not easy. Let's face it, us humans need someone. It's a physical and emotional need and has been that way since cavemen existed. I can, however, say that I've got so much closer to putting myself first, to sharing exactly how I feel, to walking away from situations with guys that aren't in my best interest; and that's a good step.

Here’s to embracing: Change. I hate that word; hearing it literally makes me want to stuff my face with chocolate to console myself. Why? To be honest, I don’t really know, all I do know is that I have always thought of change as bad. I like being comfortable and content, even if that means I am not fully getting what I want, but this year I will embrace change and not perceive it so negatively, because change CAN be good and it will. Change. I still struggle with it, but man I think I embraced it pretty well. I moved back to the valley, got my own apartment, finally enrolled in grad school (5 months so far!) Lots of changes took place; good and bad. Here's to continuing to embrace this.

Here’s to embracing: Myself. Physically and Emotionally. Sure I have bigger love handles that I want and my emotions can be completely out of whack, but this is me. This is who I am and it’s about time I start accepting that. This is a process. I go back and forth on acceptance and rejection of myself, but I took a big step to finding a new therapist to continue to work on issues I have and though I am certain it'll be hard to hash it all out again, I know it is what is needed. For myself. 

Here’s to embracing: My Past/Childhood. This is something I struggle with still. I didn’t have anywhere near the ideal childhood and a lot of crappy things happened that never should have. I struggle with it. It makes me angry, frustrated, resentful and sad when I think of these things. I dwell on them to an extreme sometimes. I know, just as well as everyone else, that our past cannot be changed, but what can be changed is our future and I cannot shape my future the way I want to without embracing (and letting go) of my past and what has happened to me. See above.

Here’s to embracing: Positivity. Even though people would describe me as a positive person, I feel that I am  pessimistic. I try to be positive, but it really does not come natural to me and I actually have to work hard to be positive. Lately, and specially when I am feeling down, I feel myself being even more pessimistic… about everything around me. I want to be more positive. Sure life has it’s ugliness, but it also has so much beauty and I want to be able to embrace that beauty and be more positive daily. Embracing positivity continues to be a struggle, however, I continue to try and that's what matters right?

Here’s to embracing: What Is. A friend actually recommended this one to me, but the more I think about it, the more fitting it becomes. I struggle with embracing what things are. I often want to alter or change the outcome or speed up the process (ex: wanting to be married and have kids already or feeling as if I should be in graduate school right this minute) and I fail to just accept and embrace what is; that I am a 24 year old woman working in the career field of my choice and finding out exactly who I am and what I want and then going out to get it. I'd say that I've become better at embracing what is... Don't get me wrong, I still want to alter/change/speed up the process for everything, but I've started to be a lot more spontaneous and accepting of things than I was in the past.

Here’s to embracing: The Present. I have a bad habit of focusing on the past (see # 4) or the future, and I rarely focus on the present. If I am not preoccupied with the mistakes, choices and decisions I have made in my past then I am preoccupied with where I am headed in the future. I am not saying there is anything wrong with reflecting on the past or looking toward the future, but I am saying that the amount of time I spend on doing it, is not acceptable. I need to embrace the present. I need to soak in the moments I have with my family and friends, take in all these memories and stop worrying about what will happen 2 years from now. That day will come and when it does I can focus on it. But for now, here’s to embracing the present. I continue to need to focus on the present. I've been doing a lot of mindfulness; focusing on where I am, but as the previous paragraph stated, I struggle with wanting to alter/change/speed things up and I need to continue working on this. It's so easy to get caught up in the past and the future, but how important the present is. 

Reviewing this, I see that there has been stagnant on my part in some areas, but I also see that there has been progress. Huge progress, even if it's occurring slowly. That's what it's all about, right? Embracing the changes and making steps, even if they are baby steps.

2015 will be a continuation of embracing all these and more.

Stay tuned for my 2015 word of the year!

Oh don't mind that sound, it's just the toilet flushing...

Today, while speaking with the receptionist as I scheduled a personal appointment, I automatically flushed the toilet as I finished my business. I hear the other line go silent. Opps, I'm on the phone. Awkward, was the thought that formed in my head. Do I apologize? Do I act like it was nothing? Ya, act like it was nothing, I say to myself. "So uh, yea, that time will work. Thank you for your help." I quickly hang up the phone. Insert embarrassed face here.

I also got some really weird stares today from people passing by, as I sat in my car, phone in one hand with the First Presidency Christmas Devotional on, burrito in the other, during my thirty minute lunch break. Yesterday I attended church for the first time in a few months after consistently going for quite some time (I've been out of town or had papers I needed to do, etc) and some girl asked if I was new to the ward... yea, no but thanks for asking...

Also, when am I suppose to find time to work out and get this hot slim body that guys want? Like I don't have time for that! Freshman 15?! Pshh, grad school 30...

Soooooo... I know I am not the first ever person to work a full time job and go to graduate school full time, but DAYYUMMM (I'm not keen on "ghetto" words, but the emphasis was surely needed) it's not easy. My grad program is accelerated so classes are only 8 weeks. Yea, that sounds nice, however it means that basically you have a 5-6,7,8+ page paper due every week along with other small assignments on top of reading. Oh and the only break is two weeks during Christmas, no summer or anything else... yeaaaaa. Then at my job, I have 19 cases I manage which entails a lot of different things like court hearings, providing life skills, family coaching and support, documentation, attending medication appoints, you named it I'm sure I do it, as well as running a group once a week for 13+ kiddos. Do not get me wrong, I am very happy with where I am at... But it's a lot to balance, so if I call you on the phone and you hear the toilet flush, don't mind the sound and feel privileged we are getting the chance to talk... I am just trying to balance it all. What the eff am I doing blogging? I need to get back to my paper....

Blah

noun

1. the blahs, a feeling of physical uneasiness, general discomfort, or mild depression.
2. a word commonly used to describe an emotional state in which the person feels a sense of having no hope; usually during a deep depression.

Those are definitions (first one from Merriam-Webster and the second from Urban Dictionary) for the emotional state "blah." This is a typical feeling for me. Working in my profession my kiddos and I often discuss their emotional state and I have them describe to me what and why they are feeling that way. This is a challenging activity. At least I know it is for me and it appears to be for many of my youth. Sometimes, you can feel mad, happy or sad and not be able to identify the exact reason why.

Often times, people around me don't understand this. If you know me, you know I struggle with depression. I work hard to be positive and not give into my depression, but there are times when it just wins. People around me will ask why I am sad, and when I tell them I can't explain it, it's puzzling to them, but that's the thing with depression, it isn't black and white and sometimes you just cannot explain why you feel the way you feel, you just know that you feel that way, and it sucks.

Tonight this word, blah, fits a little too much...

"Let's go get drunk b*tches!"

As I sit in my apartment at 8:30 on a Saturday night watching "About a boy" (the tv show not the movie, just to clarify; it's not that good, but hey it's entertaining) I hear some shouting. I pause Netflix to just make sure that it's not my crazed-psycho-girlfriend-abusing-neighbor that lives upstairs, (because really I am afraid I will one day come home and there will be crime scene forensics everywhere, but that's besides the point) to realize it's some girls.

"They must be going out to have some fun," I think to myself and I want to shout, "wait for me!" because lets face it, I've been home nursing my sickness a little too long, like I'm literally going crazy here for some interaction, so I peek out the peep-hole (okay, I realize this is somewhat creepy, don't judge me) to see three girls in sequin dresses that already look completely intoxicated. One girl stops to fix her high heel and the other shouts at her saying "hurry up Candy (that wasn't her name, I'm changing for a more dramatic affect) I'm ready to go get laid!" (No, sadly, that part was not emphasized for drama.)

So I sit back down, continue watching the entertaining show and realize as bored as I am, and as much as I desperately (read: that with emphasis) need girlfriends that live here, that life style is not me. Now I am not judging, I've been there (not the waiting to get laid part, but the going out part) and I realize that by saying this it makes me seem way older than my current youngish age but I guess that's what my life has come to.

"Let's go get drunk b*tches!"

Have fun girls. I am off to see a movie. (yes, alone and no I'm not sad about it.)

P.s. I'm desperately seeking girlfriends located here. Hit me up if you want to apply.

Change

Wow. It's been some time since I have last blogged. That's what life does I guess. It happens and the next thing you know three months have flown by since the last time you posted.

There is so much that has changed, I am not even sure where to start... Doesn't it sort of feel like nothing ever changes though? I mean, like when you are actually going through things, it feels like nothing is changing and things you want to change just... aren't. But then you wake up and everything is different? Maybe that's just my perception.

I've blogged about change before and I've shared how much I hate it. That I just wish things would stay the same, but you know what? I've realized over the past six months, I have come to love change. Okay, maybe I shouldn't go as far as to say I love change, but I like it and quite a bit actually.

I realized that we as humans are constantly changing, evolving, becoming who we want to be, and why wouldn't we want that to happen? Sure, unexpected change, like my four-year-relationship-to-the-man- I-thought-I-would-marry-change, wasn't fun, but it lead me to where I am today, and where I am today is where I want to be. It led me to take the leap of faith that moving back to Phoenix is where I needed to be, which led me to meeting my best friend, getting a awesome job in my career field and finalllllyyyyyyy going to Grad School. (More on that soon!)

Without change, we stay stagnant. We don't evolve. We can't better ourselves. 

Change is needed. Change is important. Change is good.

Weekly 4 // 2

1. Baby Kitten

2. I cut all my hair off

3. Grandma, mom and sister having campaign for Mother's Day

4. Mesa Temple

Journal Promptings // 1 & 2

This idea and some of the journal promptings have been adopted from Moore Seal blog and her 52 list project. I am doing a sort of spin off of it as I've included some of my own list topics/not used some of her created topics. The goal is weekly list, yet the first two I did monthly, just because time. My hope is to do them weekly, but I will post as they are completed.

Journal Promptings

---------------------------------------------------------------------

 Prompt 1: Words That Touch My Soul

Prompt 2: Greatest Comfort

Happenings Lately // 1

Making: headbands; or more like i am trying to get myself back into sewing & doing them
Cooking: not often. this is something i really have been wanting to start/needing to do
Drinking: diet coke (which i am trying to stop!)
Reading: mostly scriptures lately, unless you count my kids at work intake documents
Wanting: a vacation
Looking: ratchet? ha, i am not happy with my looks right now.
Playing: music
Wasting: too much time on tinder. i know, wtf?
Sewing: see making; working on doing this more often
Wishing: i could find someone who i want to spend my life with who feels the same way in return
Enjoying: the netflix series "The Following"
Waiting: to start losing weight/get healthier
Liking: my own apartment & decorating it
Wondering: if i will like the gym i just signed up for
Loving: the warm weather
Hoping: i start meeting more people to be friends with here
Marvelling: at the new temple
Needing: to feel loved; i need to get an animal or something to keep me happy
Smelling: my new perfume my sister got me for Easter
Wearing: clothes i don't like, ha, i need to go shopping
Following: the news, which usually makes me sad towards our world
Noticing: how pessimistic i am & how badly i need to change this
Knowing: the Gospel will bring me happiness if i turn to it
Thinking: about how much i miss my sweet Angel nephew and all my other family members
Bookmarking: several articles from though catalog
Opening: nothing at this moment
Giggling: about bob's burgers, but i am out of new episodes on netflix. boo!
Feeling: very tired currently

via meet me at mikes blog

Weekly Four // 1

1. Carousel mirror picture

2. Tiny hands holding mine

3. Selfie

4. Two of my nieces with their Easter eggs

Strength from my forever angel

Strength noun \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\

: the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.

9 days ago I lost my first born nephew. He was only 18. It was sudden and it was unexpected. Myself and my family are heartbroken. Nothing could of prepared us for that moment, for our tremendous loss.

It feels like it was just yesterday I got the devastating call informing me that my heart will no longer be full, ever again. It’s been 3 days since the service took place. I wrote the tribute for his service and while I was standing there in front of all our family and his friends, shaking uncontrollably and trying not to break down before I finished my talk, I felt for a brief second this rush of strength wash over me. I immediately felt my precious nephew’s love and this feeling that though mine and my families world has forever changed, and things seem like they will never be alright again, he wants us to try, and for that brief moment in time, my heart once again felt full.

Things will never be the same. I will never get to see my nephew get married or have beautiful children who look like him and my (hopefully one day) children will never get to play with their amazing uncle and that breaks my heart. But what I do know is that my nephew will always be with me and my family, my (one day) children may not ever get to play with their amazing uncle, but they will know they have a beautiful angel looking down on them, providing them courage and strength, just like he has done for me already. He will always be in our hearts, he will always be the strength we need to endure. 

With that knowledge, and the belief I have that he is with my daddy in Heaven, I find the strength I need. Until we meet again, my forever angel, I miss you.

6.5.95 to 3.15.14

Gone Too Soon

My Forever Angel

Door one vs Door two

As I sit in my apartment tonight it's so quiet, I can hear the ticking sound on my new rose gold Charming Charlie's watch, I picked up this last weekend with one of my besties. I can literally hear every tick of the seconds that past by; the hundreds of seconds that pass by as I sit here contemplating and trying to understand why we humans are so hard to comprehend. 

Think about it; say you are given two doors to choose from. In door one, you are knowledgeable and aware of what stands behind it for the most part. You are familiar with what is inside, it's something you are comfortable with, but it's an old plain white door. There's nothing too special about it. In fact, some of the paint is chipped off and it's looking a little run down. 

Then there is door two. Door two is radiant in color. It catches your eye from down the block. It's new, it's unfamiliar and it's exciting. Sure, you don't know what's behind it, but you can't wait to find out. That's part of the intrigue; the pull towards the door. 

You end up picking door two, yet when you open it, you realize there is not a whole lot behind it, in fact the hinges just don't even fit right. It's radiant, it's eye-catching and it was exciting at first, but that's all it is. Then you realize that door one's run down appearance signified it's strength, it's character. It showed that, sure, maybe it had been slammed a few times, but it continued to hold on to the hinges, because it knows that even if it gets shut, eventually it will be re-opened. 

It's too late though. You've already selected door two and door one has been sold and hinged to a house that matches its interior perfectly.

So why? Why do we instinctually jump to door two, even though we know door one might just fit better? 

Well if you were hoping to get the answer, I'm sorry to disappoint. I don't have it. I don't know why we often choose door two when door one is the usually the better option. But what I do know, is that watch is still ticking, so maybe, just maybe, next time we will think about the decision with a little more thought and end up make the right selection.

----------------------------------

(images via google search)

One Month

February 10th. That's the day when I loaded everything I have collected in my last 24 years of life, into a Uhual and moved to my very first ever alone apartment. The time has seemed to pass fast; with a new job full of responsibilities and task that I have to learn, new place to set up and decorate and a new city to explore. I didn't realize a month had already passed in my new journey, until today, when I was asked the date. In that moment, I recapped the changes, feelings, thoughts and things I have learned in the short time I have been here.

I've learned... that I really enjoy alone time. This has come as a surprise to me; sure, I appreciate some "me" time but most of the time, I prefer to be in the presence of others and if it I wasn't able to, it would bring me an uncomfortable sad feeling. That feeling has yet to emerge and I'm liking it. A lot.

I've learned... that it really isn't that scary to live alone. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I have that irrational fear that some serial murder is going to burst through my door, cut me to pieces and send them in the mail to my mom, but then I remember that the chances of that happening are slim and the thought is probably just stemming from the amount of horror movies I watch.

I've felt/learned... that even though going through change can be uncomfortable and scary, it's needed. Life doesn't stay the same and it shouldn't. If things always stayed the same, we might be content with the routine, but we would stop growing as people. I know I don't want to stop growing, because I am not quite the person I want to be. Therefore, change is needed and might I add, sometimes, even beautiful.

I've learned... that it's hard to meet friends when you are no longer in college. Seriously, how do I meet awesome girlfriends? Do I need to put out an add in the newspaper? "Friendly-girl-seeking-bestie, please apply-if-you-are-as-desperate-as-myself." Seriously though, it's rough people.

I've learned... that being able to walk around the house nude is blissful. Maybe, TMI, but it's my new favorite thing.

Obviously, this list doesn't encompass all that I have learned since being here, but it does encompass (and gives me validation and hope) that making the change and moving, was a good decision. I look forward to more months and a lot more learning!

Cheers to a month of change!

So Far

As I described in my last post, I am in a new city, and with that new-ness (I think I just created that word) comes a lot of down time since I don't really know that many people here, but it also allows for a lot of exploring and excitement as well. With that being said, I am excited to be able to document all the new exciting places I learn, shop at, eat at, go to, etc on my blog. 

This past weekend, a friend I recently met since living here and I went to the carnival that was in town. It was a great night full of conversation, laughs and lots of screams. 

They have this ride called, The Ring of Fire, and it's a roller coaster that is a circle, but the scary part is it holds you UPSIDE DOWN. I do not like that, haha. 

A Fresh Start

You know they say, the reason so many people look forward to a new year is that it allows us to start fresh. To change, to move on, to just do something different, anything, with our lives. Yet, research shows that even though, we have this desire as the new year rolls around, to change, to start new, we humans usually do not follow through.

Why is this? Is it because we are so engrained in routine? Is it because we fear what we will leave behind? Is it that we fear what's ahead wont be better? I can't answer for us as a whole, but, to answer as a 24-year-old whose just taken the leap into a world of change, it's all of the above.

Routine and consistency is taught to us from day one. Our mommies and/or daddy's introduce us to a sleep and eating routine, in which continues (with slight differences/add in's of more routines, of course) into our adulthood. And fear? Whether it's fear of what we leave behind or fear that whatever is ahead won't be better, it is the same. It paralyzes us into making no actions. When looking at, (and I am putting on my whole nerdy science based hat right now, so forgive me in advance) our brain and the fight or flight mechanism it encompasses, I've found myself questioning and comparing the research stats of new year resolutions/follow throughs and wondering why so much of the time we pick the flight response over the fight.

I know that in the past few years of my life, I've chosen the flight response, even though I was not fully content in the situation, just so that I did not have to deal with the change. I continued to be unhappy with my decision and where I was at in life and then finally (read: less than two months ago) I did it. 

I gave my job and my roommate my two week notice, I packed up my stuff and loaded it in a Uhual with the help of some great friends, and I moved. So many things are new. different. uncomfortable. wonderful. I'm learning the ropes of my new job (same field) while enjoying the privacy and comfort of my first ever apartment alone, while trying to navigate a new, big city. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. It's fascinating, and the best part is... it's a fresh start.