We get to choose our shape

"The past doesn't shape or define you!"

How often do we hear that statement after any big, medium, or small, rut/hill/challenge (insert other synonyms here) we face? 

However, even though I understand it's a term used to try to console you, it's so false. Please stop believing it. We are shaped by our past. Take for instance a past relationship; we say that our ex doesn't matter and that the relationship means nothing to us anymore, but we all know this is so far from the truth. It does matter. It matters because we often carry feelings and emotions from that relationship into our new one. We are humans, and humans are vulnerable and easily damaged, and when that damage happens, we carry the pieces around with us. Then pieces from other things, like losing someone you love, not getting a good grade, not getting the promotion you want, (insert any other situation here), add to that load and we end up with this really heavy bag. This heavy bag that will never be lighter, until you unload it.

So don't be fooled, the past does in deed shape us. In good ways or bad ways, or even both. But it shapes us. It doesn't have to define us, that's our decision, but we are shaped. 

The good news though?

We get to choose our shape.

Chasing Life

So a few weeks ago I found myself on Netflix, like I often do in my attempt to avoid the inevitable grad school homework, searching for something to watch. I came across a show titled "Chasing Life" which the synopsis read something along the lines of a girl my age being admitted to the hospital and learning she has cancer. The handy little "we think you'd enjoy this show" Netflix gives suggested I would rate it 5/5. I recall smirking and thinking, "seriously Netflix? Why would I want to watch a show about a girl who has cancer?" but then I pushed play.

I know what you are thinking, why would a empath like me even think to watch a show about cancer, which is an excellent question. I found myself crying (somewhat uncontrollable at times) as I became so invested with the main character and her life. I found myself happy when she was happy, and hurt when she was hurt. I laughed alongside the funny parts and cried at the sad (yes, I know how this is making me sound being this is a fictional TV show). I don't know much about cancer to be honest, but what I do know, is this show, fiction or not, sparked something inside me.

The main character, after being diagnosed, realizes that she wants to really live life and she invest so much time and energy into her work and her relationships. Always caring and putting others first, and really trying to be optimistic, even when she is the one who is sick, who has cancer, for crap sake. Everyone around her tries to get her to just be selfish and to focus on herself, of course, and there are times when she does, even times when she isn't optimistic, but for the majority of it, she is. Now, don't get me wrong, I clearly understand this is a TV show and real-life isn't like this, but wow.

Here I am, a fairly healthy individual (though I have to admit for the first, well, lets just say few days, I was almost convienced I had cancer-like symptoms) who takes life for granted. I may not have a serious illness in which I am told how much longer I have to live, but I also do not have a promise on how much longer I get to live. We hear it all the time that life isn't promised to us, and too often, we are so busy that we forget that.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of forgetting that, for taking life for granted, for being okay with just surviving... I'm ready to live. I'm ready to chase life...

Sometimes you pour your whole heart into it; and it's still empty.

I don't think I will ever get use to it. Use to the feeling of being hurt by someone. Intentional or unintentional it stings with a bitter pain that can leave you gasping for air hours later.

Many have said that no one can hurt you unless you give them the power too; I don't necissarly disagree with that statement, however, do we not allot a certain amount of power to everyone in our lives? Think about it; our family has the power to hurt us because we unconditionally love them and our friends have the power to hurt us because we depend on them. It is no different in a relationship; we basically rip out our heart and deliver it in a bag marked "please don't destroy it". To me, that's power to hurt you, whether it's given with the expectation or not.

I've also heard conflicting ideas on whether or not it is better to be the person who cares more, or the person who cares less. They say if you're the person who cares less, you are typically the one that is hurt the most in the long run, not necessarily because the relationship (or even several more to come) but eventually, due to the fact that every human wants love and to be loved. Then, of course, there is the belief that being the one who cares the most is the one who is hurt the most, because, well you cared the most, so you are naturally affected the most. I'm not entirely sure which idea I believe as I can see both points of view, however, I am fully aware that I am always the one who cares the most.

I'm always the person who cares a little too much. In everything, not just relationships. My heart is open and tender and too often, I pour my whole heart into things and it comes back empty and it sucks. It really sucks. In those moments I promise myself I'll change. I won't give unconditionally or if I do I won't let it affect me if it comes back empty. But it does. It always affects me. Just like it always affects me when someone hurts me.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that sometimes you can care a little too much... but maybe that's okay, because maybe one day, you won't be the only one caring that much and one day it won't be empty and it will all be worth it. Maybe. One Day.

2 months; 2 five K's

My lovely friend Darla (from my grad cohort class) and I signed up for a 5K Color Obstacle Rush on April 18th. 

I've never been a runner, like literally if I ran, I felt like dying, but a few months prior to this, I started to run in hopes I would develop a love for it and get in shape. The love didn't come (well slightly; emphasis on slightly), but I realized it was a good way to get in shape and it helped prep for this 5K.

Here is the before and after for April...

Almost a month later (2 days short of a month) we participated in the Color Obstacle Rush in Tucson. 

There were some hiccups in the Phx one (like no foam!) and so the company gave everyone who participated in the Phx one the option to do the Tucson one for free.

Darla and I were game...

I have family in Tucson, so one of my sisters and her two little girls were able to come watch and they greeted me with lots of love at the finish line. What a motivator that was!

The color obstacle race was fun... I wonder what's next??

hectic schedules and the most important thing

hec·tic

ˈhektik/

adjective

1. full of incessant or frantic activity. 

"a hectic business schedule"

1. 
   
   

   
   

   
   

   I think this word describes my life, being a 26 year old balancing a full time job in the behavioral health field, going to graduate school full time and attempting to have a semi-normal (emphasis on semi) social life, perfectly. 

   
   

   So often, the dialogue that occurs in my mind is the following; 

   
   

   "Yikes. I'm just so busy." 

   "If I could just find a minute..."

   "How in the world am I suppose to do all this?"

   "When did life get so busy?"

   
   

   To which, I of course, never receive a response. Yet, I spend countless moments stressing about the to-do list at work that didn't get done, or the amount of reading and homework I need to do for class and it prevents me from actually being IN the moment, being fully present, with what I am doing at that time. It's a problem. A problem, I blame on life being so hectic.

   
   

   This past Sunday at church, a video of a busy mom was shown. I've seen it before, but the effect it had on me this time was different. The message from the movie stuck with me:
   
   
   

   "How many things did you get checked off your “to- do” list today? Sometimes, the most important things you do each day were never even on your list. As we help a neighbor or family member, we often overlook the results. You might worry about the things you never get done, but President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us, “You never know how much good you do.

   
   Along side that message is the conference talk from President Hinckley from Oct 2003, in which one section states : 
   
   
   

   "We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize...we do not often see, the results that come of what we do.
   We never realize how much good we do."
   
   How true are these messages? How often do we not realize the effect we have because we are so wrapped up in our hectic life? 

   
   
   

   Sometimes, the things we do are not even part of our hectic schedule, and more often than not, it's the most important thing we can do.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Dear Current Me

Stop. Just stop. 

Stop thinking you're not beautiful just because you wear a bigger size than you use too. 

Stop jumping to conclusions that you aren't intelligent enough for grad school. You have all that evidence (super high A's for 6 months so far) that proves you are. 

Stop thinking you can't balance it all- sure it's a struggle and one area always gets the slack, but you're doing it.

Stop allowing others to affect your mood. They're not worth it.

Stop allowing simple minded guys who are afraid of all the passion and emotion you have to make you feel like you need to hide it. You don't.

Stop being too busy to take care of yourself.

Stop hating that you're such an emotional person. Sure, you cry at the most inconvenient times but it's because you are such a caring and thoughtful person.

Stop telling yourself you have to be perfect in everything. Your not, you won't be, you can't be and no one is. 

So just stop, breathe, give yourself credit and be nice to us.

Love always, 
Yourself

image source: via google/livelifehappy.com

untitled

As I sit in the coffee shop on this Sunday afternoon, a sweet old lady engages in conversation with me. First starting off with small talk and then progressively becoming a more in depth conversation about  life stories. I learn that she was married more than once and that her first marriage was full of unhappiness. I engage, I emphasize, I laugh. I can't help but wonder how this little old lady is viewing this 25 year old girl sitting in the coffee shop with her chai tea and Psychology books.

Sometimes, I become so wrapped up in how I want others to perceive me. I just want someone to see the real me. The motivated girl who is just trying to make the world a better place. Yet I think people just see this girl who cancels or turns down plans, without knowing it is because she is too tired to engage in conversation that is outside of work or school. Or maybe as a hypocrite because she gives such great advice (I mean, heck: that's basically my career) yet struggles to apply it to her own life.

 Does she see me as a broken girl striving to feel whole again? Does she see me as the mistake from two nights ago? Does she seem me as a hard working graduate student? Does she see me as having it all together, like so many others might? Does she even see me? Does it even matter what she sees me as? Do I even see me?

2015 word of the year

2015. Twenty-Fifteen. Wow. Isn’t it amazing how fast time really does fly? It’s like when we are in the moment, things seem slower than ever, but you look back and all the sudden it’s 2015.

twenty-fifteen

2014 was a roller-coaster. It started off so promising; a new beginning. I moved to a new town, got my first apartment alone, and started a new position. I felt independent and proud. For the first time in my 25 years of life (well, I was still 24 at that time) I was completely independent. That’s huge for me. I struggle with attachment issues and to be able to be on my own and not need someone. Huge. Yet only a month after all my huge changes, I got the most devastating news ever. My oldest nephew (18) passed away suddenly. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. When my sister told me, I literally could not breathe. I knew I needed to be strong for my sister and my family, but it hurt to be strong. It hurt to be positive about something so negative. It still hurts every.single.day. Often I wake up at night so happy from a dream of him and I doing something only to once again feel the bitter sting that he is no longer here. I do however; push forward, because I know that he is with me. It isn’t the same. It never will be and to be honest, it isn’t enough. I feel him though, every time I think about giving up, I feel him pushing me and that keeps me going, knowing I will see him again someday. Fast forward several months later (they were all such a blur anyhow) to August. I started graduate school. I truly and honestly believe it was because my nephew. I have always felt the need to live my life regardless of my depression, as a way to carry the life of my father on and now I do so for both him and my nephew. So why 2014 was bitter and cruel and will never be forgotten, I’m happy for the growth that occured, because that is what came from it. I grew into someone who is more independent and capable of making steps toward the direction she wants her life to go. Capable of being strong and holding on when it felt/feels like it is impossible. I endured. I embraced the good and the bad (which was my 2014 word: see recap here).

My word for 2015 will be: Intention.

in·ten·tion /inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/

noun 1. a thing intended; an aim or plan. 2. the healing process of a wound. My goal for 2015 is to do things with more intention and really to live with intention. We all have a designed plan in this world and I want to make sure that I’m living life with intention and not just letting life pass me by. I want to ensure that my life will end up matching my heart, and my heart will match my faith. Intention: a word that will guide me to choose wisely: when to go, when to stay, and when to say goodbye to people, places or things that are no longer good for me.

 So here is to twenty- fifteen. Here is to living with intention.