Strength from my forever angel

Strength noun \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\

: the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.

9 days ago I lost my first born nephew. He was only 18. It was sudden and it was unexpected. Myself and my family are heartbroken. Nothing could of prepared us for that moment, for our tremendous loss.

It feels like it was just yesterday I got the devastating call informing me that my heart will no longer be full, ever again. It’s been 3 days since the service took place. I wrote the tribute for his service and while I was standing there in front of all our family and his friends, shaking uncontrollably and trying not to break down before I finished my talk, I felt for a brief second this rush of strength wash over me. I immediately felt my precious nephew’s love and this feeling that though mine and my families world has forever changed, and things seem like they will never be alright again, he wants us to try, and for that brief moment in time, my heart once again felt full.

Things will never be the same. I will never get to see my nephew get married or have beautiful children who look like him and my (hopefully one day) children will never get to play with their amazing uncle and that breaks my heart. But what I do know is that my nephew will always be with me and my family, my (one day) children may not ever get to play with their amazing uncle, but they will know they have a beautiful angel looking down on them, providing them courage and strength, just like he has done for me already. He will always be in our hearts, he will always be the strength we need to endure. 

With that knowledge, and the belief I have that he is with my daddy in Heaven, I find the strength I need. Until we meet again, my forever angel, I miss you.

6.5.95 to 3.15.14

Gone Too Soon

My Forever Angel

Door one vs Door two

As I sit in my apartment tonight it's so quiet, I can hear the ticking sound on my new rose gold Charming Charlie's watch, I picked up this last weekend with one of my besties. I can literally hear every tick of the seconds that past by; the hundreds of seconds that pass by as I sit here contemplating and trying to understand why we humans are so hard to comprehend. 

Think about it; say you are given two doors to choose from. In door one, you are knowledgeable and aware of what stands behind it for the most part. You are familiar with what is inside, it's something you are comfortable with, but it's an old plain white door. There's nothing too special about it. In fact, some of the paint is chipped off and it's looking a little run down. 

Then there is door two. Door two is radiant in color. It catches your eye from down the block. It's new, it's unfamiliar and it's exciting. Sure, you don't know what's behind it, but you can't wait to find out. That's part of the intrigue; the pull towards the door. 

You end up picking door two, yet when you open it, you realize there is not a whole lot behind it, in fact the hinges just don't even fit right. It's radiant, it's eye-catching and it was exciting at first, but that's all it is. Then you realize that door one's run down appearance signified it's strength, it's character. It showed that, sure, maybe it had been slammed a few times, but it continued to hold on to the hinges, because it knows that even if it gets shut, eventually it will be re-opened. 

It's too late though. You've already selected door two and door one has been sold and hinged to a house that matches its interior perfectly.

So why? Why do we instinctually jump to door two, even though we know door one might just fit better? 

Well if you were hoping to get the answer, I'm sorry to disappoint. I don't have it. I don't know why we often choose door two when door one is the usually the better option. But what I do know, is that watch is still ticking, so maybe, just maybe, next time we will think about the decision with a little more thought and end up make the right selection.

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(images via google search)

One Month

February 10th. That's the day when I loaded everything I have collected in my last 24 years of life, into a Uhual and moved to my very first ever alone apartment. The time has seemed to pass fast; with a new job full of responsibilities and task that I have to learn, new place to set up and decorate and a new city to explore. I didn't realize a month had already passed in my new journey, until today, when I was asked the date. In that moment, I recapped the changes, feelings, thoughts and things I have learned in the short time I have been here.

I've learned... that I really enjoy alone time. This has come as a surprise to me; sure, I appreciate some "me" time but most of the time, I prefer to be in the presence of others and if it I wasn't able to, it would bring me an uncomfortable sad feeling. That feeling has yet to emerge and I'm liking it. A lot.

I've learned... that it really isn't that scary to live alone. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes I have that irrational fear that some serial murder is going to burst through my door, cut me to pieces and send them in the mail to my mom, but then I remember that the chances of that happening are slim and the thought is probably just stemming from the amount of horror movies I watch.

I've felt/learned... that even though going through change can be uncomfortable and scary, it's needed. Life doesn't stay the same and it shouldn't. If things always stayed the same, we might be content with the routine, but we would stop growing as people. I know I don't want to stop growing, because I am not quite the person I want to be. Therefore, change is needed and might I add, sometimes, even beautiful.

I've learned... that it's hard to meet friends when you are no longer in college. Seriously, how do I meet awesome girlfriends? Do I need to put out an add in the newspaper? "Friendly-girl-seeking-bestie, please apply-if-you-are-as-desperate-as-myself." Seriously though, it's rough people.

I've learned... that being able to walk around the house nude is blissful. Maybe, TMI, but it's my new favorite thing.

Obviously, this list doesn't encompass all that I have learned since being here, but it does encompass (and gives me validation and hope) that making the change and moving, was a good decision. I look forward to more months and a lot more learning!

Cheers to a month of change!

So Far

As I described in my last post, I am in a new city, and with that new-ness (I think I just created that word) comes a lot of down time since I don't really know that many people here, but it also allows for a lot of exploring and excitement as well. With that being said, I am excited to be able to document all the new exciting places I learn, shop at, eat at, go to, etc on my blog. 

This past weekend, a friend I recently met since living here and I went to the carnival that was in town. It was a great night full of conversation, laughs and lots of screams. 

They have this ride called, The Ring of Fire, and it's a roller coaster that is a circle, but the scary part is it holds you UPSIDE DOWN. I do not like that, haha. 

A Fresh Start

You know they say, the reason so many people look forward to a new year is that it allows us to start fresh. To change, to move on, to just do something different, anything, with our lives. Yet, research shows that even though, we have this desire as the new year rolls around, to change, to start new, we humans usually do not follow through.

Why is this? Is it because we are so engrained in routine? Is it because we fear what we will leave behind? Is it that we fear what's ahead wont be better? I can't answer for us as a whole, but, to answer as a 24-year-old whose just taken the leap into a world of change, it's all of the above.

Routine and consistency is taught to us from day one. Our mommies and/or daddy's introduce us to a sleep and eating routine, in which continues (with slight differences/add in's of more routines, of course) into our adulthood. And fear? Whether it's fear of what we leave behind or fear that whatever is ahead won't be better, it is the same. It paralyzes us into making no actions. When looking at, (and I am putting on my whole nerdy science based hat right now, so forgive me in advance) our brain and the fight or flight mechanism it encompasses, I've found myself questioning and comparing the research stats of new year resolutions/follow throughs and wondering why so much of the time we pick the flight response over the fight.

I know that in the past few years of my life, I've chosen the flight response, even though I was not fully content in the situation, just so that I did not have to deal with the change. I continued to be unhappy with my decision and where I was at in life and then finally (read: less than two months ago) I did it. 

I gave my job and my roommate my two week notice, I packed up my stuff and loaded it in a Uhual with the help of some great friends, and I moved. So many things are new. different. uncomfortable. wonderful. I'm learning the ropes of my new job (same field) while enjoying the privacy and comfort of my first ever apartment alone, while trying to navigate a new, big city. It's scary. It's uncomfortable. It's fascinating, and the best part is... it's a fresh start.