Change

Wow. It's been some time since I have last blogged. That's what life does I guess. It happens and the next thing you know three months have flown by since the last time you posted.

There is so much that has changed, I am not even sure where to start... Doesn't it sort of feel like nothing ever changes though? I mean, like when you are actually going through things, it feels like nothing is changing and things you want to change just... aren't. But then you wake up and everything is different? Maybe that's just my perception.

I've blogged about change before and I've shared how much I hate it. That I just wish things would stay the same, but you know what? I've realized over the past six months, I have come to love change. Okay, maybe I shouldn't go as far as to say I love change, but I like it and quite a bit actually.

I realized that we as humans are constantly changing, evolving, becoming who we want to be, and why wouldn't we want that to happen? Sure, unexpected change, like my four-year-relationship-to-the-man- I-thought-I-would-marry-change, wasn't fun, but it lead me to where I am today, and where I am today is where I want to be. It led me to take the leap of faith that moving back to Phoenix is where I needed to be, which led me to meeting my best friend, getting a awesome job in my career field and finalllllyyyyyyy going to Grad School. (More on that soon!)

Without change, we stay stagnant. We don't evolve. We can't better ourselves. 

Change is needed. Change is important. Change is good.

Weekly 4 // 2

1. Baby Kitten

2. I cut all my hair off

3. Grandma, mom and sister having campaign for Mother's Day

4. Mesa Temple

Journal Promptings // 1 & 2

This idea and some of the journal promptings have been adopted from Moore Seal blog and her 52 list project. I am doing a sort of spin off of it as I've included some of my own list topics/not used some of her created topics. The goal is weekly list, yet the first two I did monthly, just because time. My hope is to do them weekly, but I will post as they are completed.

Journal Promptings

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 Prompt 1: Words That Touch My Soul

Prompt 2: Greatest Comfort

Happenings Lately // 1

Making: headbands; or more like i am trying to get myself back into sewing & doing them
Cooking: not often. this is something i really have been wanting to start/needing to do
Drinking: diet coke (which i am trying to stop!)
Reading: mostly scriptures lately, unless you count my kids at work intake documents
Wanting: a vacation
Looking: ratchet? ha, i am not happy with my looks right now.
Playing: music
Wasting: too much time on tinder. i know, wtf?
Sewing: see making; working on doing this more often
Wishing: i could find someone who i want to spend my life with who feels the same way in return
Enjoying: the netflix series "The Following"
Waiting: to start losing weight/get healthier
Liking: my own apartment & decorating it
Wondering: if i will like the gym i just signed up for
Loving: the warm weather
Hoping: i start meeting more people to be friends with here
Marvelling: at the new temple
Needing: to feel loved; i need to get an animal or something to keep me happy
Smelling: my new perfume my sister got me for Easter
Wearing: clothes i don't like, ha, i need to go shopping
Following: the news, which usually makes me sad towards our world
Noticing: how pessimistic i am & how badly i need to change this
Knowing: the Gospel will bring me happiness if i turn to it
Thinking: about how much i miss my sweet Angel nephew and all my other family members
Bookmarking: several articles from though catalog
Opening: nothing at this moment
Giggling: about bob's burgers, but i am out of new episodes on netflix. boo!
Feeling: very tired currently

via meet me at mikes blog

Weekly Four // 1

1. Carousel mirror picture

2. Tiny hands holding mine

3. Selfie

4. Two of my nieces with their Easter eggs

Strength from my forever angel

Strength noun \ˈstreŋ(k)th, ˈstren(t)th\

: the quality that allows someone to deal with problems in a determined and effective way.

9 days ago I lost my first born nephew. He was only 18. It was sudden and it was unexpected. Myself and my family are heartbroken. Nothing could of prepared us for that moment, for our tremendous loss.

It feels like it was just yesterday I got the devastating call informing me that my heart will no longer be full, ever again. It’s been 3 days since the service took place. I wrote the tribute for his service and while I was standing there in front of all our family and his friends, shaking uncontrollably and trying not to break down before I finished my talk, I felt for a brief second this rush of strength wash over me. I immediately felt my precious nephew’s love and this feeling that though mine and my families world has forever changed, and things seem like they will never be alright again, he wants us to try, and for that brief moment in time, my heart once again felt full.

Things will never be the same. I will never get to see my nephew get married or have beautiful children who look like him and my (hopefully one day) children will never get to play with their amazing uncle and that breaks my heart. But what I do know is that my nephew will always be with me and my family, my (one day) children may not ever get to play with their amazing uncle, but they will know they have a beautiful angel looking down on them, providing them courage and strength, just like he has done for me already. He will always be in our hearts, he will always be the strength we need to endure. 

With that knowledge, and the belief I have that he is with my daddy in Heaven, I find the strength I need. Until we meet again, my forever angel, I miss you.

6.5.95 to 3.15.14

Gone Too Soon

My Forever Angel

Door one vs Door two

As I sit in my apartment tonight it's so quiet, I can hear the ticking sound on my new rose gold Charming Charlie's watch, I picked up this last weekend with one of my besties. I can literally hear every tick of the seconds that past by; the hundreds of seconds that pass by as I sit here contemplating and trying to understand why we humans are so hard to comprehend. 

Think about it; say you are given two doors to choose from. In door one, you are knowledgeable and aware of what stands behind it for the most part. You are familiar with what is inside, it's something you are comfortable with, but it's an old plain white door. There's nothing too special about it. In fact, some of the paint is chipped off and it's looking a little run down. 

Then there is door two. Door two is radiant in color. It catches your eye from down the block. It's new, it's unfamiliar and it's exciting. Sure, you don't know what's behind it, but you can't wait to find out. That's part of the intrigue; the pull towards the door. 

You end up picking door two, yet when you open it, you realize there is not a whole lot behind it, in fact the hinges just don't even fit right. It's radiant, it's eye-catching and it was exciting at first, but that's all it is. Then you realize that door one's run down appearance signified it's strength, it's character. It showed that, sure, maybe it had been slammed a few times, but it continued to hold on to the hinges, because it knows that even if it gets shut, eventually it will be re-opened. 

It's too late though. You've already selected door two and door one has been sold and hinged to a house that matches its interior perfectly.

So why? Why do we instinctually jump to door two, even though we know door one might just fit better? 

Well if you were hoping to get the answer, I'm sorry to disappoint. I don't have it. I don't know why we often choose door two when door one is the usually the better option. But what I do know, is that watch is still ticking, so maybe, just maybe, next time we will think about the decision with a little more thought and end up make the right selection.

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(images via google search)