2 months; 2 five K's

My lovely friend Darla (from my grad cohort class) and I signed up for a 5K Color Obstacle Rush on April 18th. 

I've never been a runner, like literally if I ran, I felt like dying, but a few months prior to this, I started to run in hopes I would develop a love for it and get in shape. The love didn't come (well slightly; emphasis on slightly), but I realized it was a good way to get in shape and it helped prep for this 5K.

Here is the before and after for April...

Almost a month later (2 days short of a month) we participated in the Color Obstacle Rush in Tucson. 

There were some hiccups in the Phx one (like no foam!) and so the company gave everyone who participated in the Phx one the option to do the Tucson one for free.

Darla and I were game...

I have family in Tucson, so one of my sisters and her two little girls were able to come watch and they greeted me with lots of love at the finish line. What a motivator that was!

The color obstacle race was fun... I wonder what's next??

hectic schedules and the most important thing

hec·tic

ˈhektik/

adjective

1. full of incessant or frantic activity. 

"a hectic business schedule"

1. 
   
   

   
   

   
   

   I think this word describes my life, being a 26 year old balancing a full time job in the behavioral health field, going to graduate school full time and attempting to have a semi-normal (emphasis on semi) social life, perfectly. 

   
   

   So often, the dialogue that occurs in my mind is the following; 

   
   

   "Yikes. I'm just so busy." 

   "If I could just find a minute..."

   "How in the world am I suppose to do all this?"

   "When did life get so busy?"

   
   

   To which, I of course, never receive a response. Yet, I spend countless moments stressing about the to-do list at work that didn't get done, or the amount of reading and homework I need to do for class and it prevents me from actually being IN the moment, being fully present, with what I am doing at that time. It's a problem. A problem, I blame on life being so hectic.

   
   

   This past Sunday at church, a video of a busy mom was shown. I've seen it before, but the effect it had on me this time was different. The message from the movie stuck with me:
   
   
   

   "How many things did you get checked off your “to- do” list today? Sometimes, the most important things you do each day were never even on your list. As we help a neighbor or family member, we often overlook the results. You might worry about the things you never get done, but President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us, “You never know how much good you do.

   
   Along side that message is the conference talk from President Hinckley from Oct 2003, in which one section states : 
   
   
   

   "We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize...we do not often see, the results that come of what we do.
   We never realize how much good we do."
   
   How true are these messages? How often do we not realize the effect we have because we are so wrapped up in our hectic life? 

   
   
   

   Sometimes, the things we do are not even part of our hectic schedule, and more often than not, it's the most important thing we can do.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Dear Current Me

Stop. Just stop. 

Stop thinking you're not beautiful just because you wear a bigger size than you use too. 

Stop jumping to conclusions that you aren't intelligent enough for grad school. You have all that evidence (super high A's for 6 months so far) that proves you are. 

Stop thinking you can't balance it all- sure it's a struggle and one area always gets the slack, but you're doing it.

Stop allowing others to affect your mood. They're not worth it.

Stop allowing simple minded guys who are afraid of all the passion and emotion you have to make you feel like you need to hide it. You don't.

Stop being too busy to take care of yourself.

Stop hating that you're such an emotional person. Sure, you cry at the most inconvenient times but it's because you are such a caring and thoughtful person.

Stop telling yourself you have to be perfect in everything. Your not, you won't be, you can't be and no one is. 

So just stop, breathe, give yourself credit and be nice to us.

Love always, 
Yourself

image source: via google/livelifehappy.com

untitled

As I sit in the coffee shop on this Sunday afternoon, a sweet old lady engages in conversation with me. First starting off with small talk and then progressively becoming a more in depth conversation about  life stories. I learn that she was married more than once and that her first marriage was full of unhappiness. I engage, I emphasize, I laugh. I can't help but wonder how this little old lady is viewing this 25 year old girl sitting in the coffee shop with her chai tea and Psychology books.

Sometimes, I become so wrapped up in how I want others to perceive me. I just want someone to see the real me. The motivated girl who is just trying to make the world a better place. Yet I think people just see this girl who cancels or turns down plans, without knowing it is because she is too tired to engage in conversation that is outside of work or school. Or maybe as a hypocrite because she gives such great advice (I mean, heck: that's basically my career) yet struggles to apply it to her own life.

 Does she see me as a broken girl striving to feel whole again? Does she see me as the mistake from two nights ago? Does she seem me as a hard working graduate student? Does she see me as having it all together, like so many others might? Does she even see me? Does it even matter what she sees me as? Do I even see me?

2015 word of the year

2015. Twenty-Fifteen. Wow. Isn’t it amazing how fast time really does fly? It’s like when we are in the moment, things seem slower than ever, but you look back and all the sudden it’s 2015.

twenty-fifteen

2014 was a roller-coaster. It started off so promising; a new beginning. I moved to a new town, got my first apartment alone, and started a new position. I felt independent and proud. For the first time in my 25 years of life (well, I was still 24 at that time) I was completely independent. That’s huge for me. I struggle with attachment issues and to be able to be on my own and not need someone. Huge. Yet only a month after all my huge changes, I got the most devastating news ever. My oldest nephew (18) passed away suddenly. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. When my sister told me, I literally could not breathe. I knew I needed to be strong for my sister and my family, but it hurt to be strong. It hurt to be positive about something so negative. It still hurts every.single.day. Often I wake up at night so happy from a dream of him and I doing something only to once again feel the bitter sting that he is no longer here. I do however; push forward, because I know that he is with me. It isn’t the same. It never will be and to be honest, it isn’t enough. I feel him though, every time I think about giving up, I feel him pushing me and that keeps me going, knowing I will see him again someday. Fast forward several months later (they were all such a blur anyhow) to August. I started graduate school. I truly and honestly believe it was because my nephew. I have always felt the need to live my life regardless of my depression, as a way to carry the life of my father on and now I do so for both him and my nephew. So why 2014 was bitter and cruel and will never be forgotten, I’m happy for the growth that occured, because that is what came from it. I grew into someone who is more independent and capable of making steps toward the direction she wants her life to go. Capable of being strong and holding on when it felt/feels like it is impossible. I endured. I embraced the good and the bad (which was my 2014 word: see recap here).

My word for 2015 will be: Intention.

in·ten·tion /inˈten(t)SH(ə)n/

noun 1. a thing intended; an aim or plan. 2. the healing process of a wound. My goal for 2015 is to do things with more intention and really to live with intention. We all have a designed plan in this world and I want to make sure that I’m living life with intention and not just letting life pass me by. I want to ensure that my life will end up matching my heart, and my heart will match my faith. Intention: a word that will guide me to choose wisely: when to go, when to stay, and when to say goodbye to people, places or things that are no longer good for me.

 So here is to twenty- fifteen. Here is to living with intention.

Review of my 2014 word "Embrace"

Wow. Tomorrow is New Years Eve. 2015 is here. 2014 is gone.

2014 had good and bad, probably more bad, but a lot of good.

Don't worry, my next post will recap all the good and bad and also reveal my 2015 word of the year.

Right now, we will review last years word.

Below is my post/word from last year (prior blog) In red will be my comments.

~~~~~~~~~

Embrace: to welcome and take advantage of something eagerly or willingly.

Here’s to embracing: Being Single. It’s been a little over a year and half since the ex and I split and it’s time to embrace that. It’s a natural human response to physically and emotionally want to be connected to someone and I’ve allowed myself to wallow in that thought process just a little bit too long. So here’s to embracing being single, to putting myself first for once, and to just take relationships as they come instead of seeking them out. I wouldn't say that I fully embraced this, though I have to give myself props. Being single is not easy. Let's face it, us humans need someone. It's a physical and emotional need and has been that way since cavemen existed. I can, however, say that I've got so much closer to putting myself first, to sharing exactly how I feel, to walking away from situations with guys that aren't in my best interest; and that's a good step.

Here’s to embracing: Change. I hate that word; hearing it literally makes me want to stuff my face with chocolate to console myself. Why? To be honest, I don’t really know, all I do know is that I have always thought of change as bad. I like being comfortable and content, even if that means I am not fully getting what I want, but this year I will embrace change and not perceive it so negatively, because change CAN be good and it will. Change. I still struggle with it, but man I think I embraced it pretty well. I moved back to the valley, got my own apartment, finally enrolled in grad school (5 months so far!) Lots of changes took place; good and bad. Here's to continuing to embrace this.

Here’s to embracing: Myself. Physically and Emotionally. Sure I have bigger love handles that I want and my emotions can be completely out of whack, but this is me. This is who I am and it’s about time I start accepting that. This is a process. I go back and forth on acceptance and rejection of myself, but I took a big step to finding a new therapist to continue to work on issues I have and though I am certain it'll be hard to hash it all out again, I know it is what is needed. For myself. 

Here’s to embracing: My Past/Childhood. This is something I struggle with still. I didn’t have anywhere near the ideal childhood and a lot of crappy things happened that never should have. I struggle with it. It makes me angry, frustrated, resentful and sad when I think of these things. I dwell on them to an extreme sometimes. I know, just as well as everyone else, that our past cannot be changed, but what can be changed is our future and I cannot shape my future the way I want to without embracing (and letting go) of my past and what has happened to me. See above.

Here’s to embracing: Positivity. Even though people would describe me as a positive person, I feel that I am  pessimistic. I try to be positive, but it really does not come natural to me and I actually have to work hard to be positive. Lately, and specially when I am feeling down, I feel myself being even more pessimistic… about everything around me. I want to be more positive. Sure life has it’s ugliness, but it also has so much beauty and I want to be able to embrace that beauty and be more positive daily. Embracing positivity continues to be a struggle, however, I continue to try and that's what matters right?

Here’s to embracing: What Is. A friend actually recommended this one to me, but the more I think about it, the more fitting it becomes. I struggle with embracing what things are. I often want to alter or change the outcome or speed up the process (ex: wanting to be married and have kids already or feeling as if I should be in graduate school right this minute) and I fail to just accept and embrace what is; that I am a 24 year old woman working in the career field of my choice and finding out exactly who I am and what I want and then going out to get it. I'd say that I've become better at embracing what is... Don't get me wrong, I still want to alter/change/speed up the process for everything, but I've started to be a lot more spontaneous and accepting of things than I was in the past.

Here’s to embracing: The Present. I have a bad habit of focusing on the past (see # 4) or the future, and I rarely focus on the present. If I am not preoccupied with the mistakes, choices and decisions I have made in my past then I am preoccupied with where I am headed in the future. I am not saying there is anything wrong with reflecting on the past or looking toward the future, but I am saying that the amount of time I spend on doing it, is not acceptable. I need to embrace the present. I need to soak in the moments I have with my family and friends, take in all these memories and stop worrying about what will happen 2 years from now. That day will come and when it does I can focus on it. But for now, here’s to embracing the present. I continue to need to focus on the present. I've been doing a lot of mindfulness; focusing on where I am, but as the previous paragraph stated, I struggle with wanting to alter/change/speed things up and I need to continue working on this. It's so easy to get caught up in the past and the future, but how important the present is. 

Reviewing this, I see that there has been stagnant on my part in some areas, but I also see that there has been progress. Huge progress, even if it's occurring slowly. That's what it's all about, right? Embracing the changes and making steps, even if they are baby steps.

2015 will be a continuation of embracing all these and more.

Stay tuned for my 2015 word of the year!

Oh don't mind that sound, it's just the toilet flushing...

Today, while speaking with the receptionist as I scheduled a personal appointment, I automatically flushed the toilet as I finished my business. I hear the other line go silent. Opps, I'm on the phone. Awkward, was the thought that formed in my head. Do I apologize? Do I act like it was nothing? Ya, act like it was nothing, I say to myself. "So uh, yea, that time will work. Thank you for your help." I quickly hang up the phone. Insert embarrassed face here.

I also got some really weird stares today from people passing by, as I sat in my car, phone in one hand with the First Presidency Christmas Devotional on, burrito in the other, during my thirty minute lunch break. Yesterday I attended church for the first time in a few months after consistently going for quite some time (I've been out of town or had papers I needed to do, etc) and some girl asked if I was new to the ward... yea, no but thanks for asking...

Also, when am I suppose to find time to work out and get this hot slim body that guys want? Like I don't have time for that! Freshman 15?! Pshh, grad school 30...

Soooooo... I know I am not the first ever person to work a full time job and go to graduate school full time, but DAYYUMMM (I'm not keen on "ghetto" words, but the emphasis was surely needed) it's not easy. My grad program is accelerated so classes are only 8 weeks. Yea, that sounds nice, however it means that basically you have a 5-6,7,8+ page paper due every week along with other small assignments on top of reading. Oh and the only break is two weeks during Christmas, no summer or anything else... yeaaaaa. Then at my job, I have 19 cases I manage which entails a lot of different things like court hearings, providing life skills, family coaching and support, documentation, attending medication appoints, you named it I'm sure I do it, as well as running a group once a week for 13+ kiddos. Do not get me wrong, I am very happy with where I am at... But it's a lot to balance, so if I call you on the phone and you hear the toilet flush, don't mind the sound and feel privileged we are getting the chance to talk... I am just trying to balance it all. What the eff am I doing blogging? I need to get back to my paper....