Blah

noun

1. the blahs, a feeling of physical uneasiness, general discomfort, or mild depression.
2. a word commonly used to describe an emotional state in which the person feels a sense of having no hope; usually during a deep depression.

Those are definitions (first one from Merriam-Webster and the second from Urban Dictionary) for the emotional state "blah." This is a typical feeling for me. Working in my profession my kiddos and I often discuss their emotional state and I have them describe to me what and why they are feeling that way. This is a challenging activity. At least I know it is for me and it appears to be for many of my youth. Sometimes, you can feel mad, happy or sad and not be able to identify the exact reason why.

Often times, people around me don't understand this. If you know me, you know I struggle with depression. I work hard to be positive and not give into my depression, but there are times when it just wins. People around me will ask why I am sad, and when I tell them I can't explain it, it's puzzling to them, but that's the thing with depression, it isn't black and white and sometimes you just cannot explain why you feel the way you feel, you just know that you feel that way, and it sucks.

Tonight this word, blah, fits a little too much...

"Let's go get drunk b*tches!"

As I sit in my apartment at 8:30 on a Saturday night watching "About a boy" (the tv show not the movie, just to clarify; it's not that good, but hey it's entertaining) I hear some shouting. I pause Netflix to just make sure that it's not my crazed-psycho-girlfriend-abusing-neighbor that lives upstairs, (because really I am afraid I will one day come home and there will be crime scene forensics everywhere, but that's besides the point) to realize it's some girls.

"They must be going out to have some fun," I think to myself and I want to shout, "wait for me!" because lets face it, I've been home nursing my sickness a little too long, like I'm literally going crazy here for some interaction, so I peek out the peep-hole (okay, I realize this is somewhat creepy, don't judge me) to see three girls in sequin dresses that already look completely intoxicated. One girl stops to fix her high heel and the other shouts at her saying "hurry up Candy (that wasn't her name, I'm changing for a more dramatic affect) I'm ready to go get laid!" (No, sadly, that part was not emphasized for drama.)

So I sit back down, continue watching the entertaining show and realize as bored as I am, and as much as I desperately (read: that with emphasis) need girlfriends that live here, that life style is not me. Now I am not judging, I've been there (not the waiting to get laid part, but the going out part) and I realize that by saying this it makes me seem way older than my current youngish age but I guess that's what my life has come to.

"Let's go get drunk b*tches!"

Have fun girls. I am off to see a movie. (yes, alone and no I'm not sad about it.)

P.s. I'm desperately seeking girlfriends located here. Hit me up if you want to apply.

Change

Wow. It's been some time since I have last blogged. That's what life does I guess. It happens and the next thing you know three months have flown by since the last time you posted.

There is so much that has changed, I am not even sure where to start... Doesn't it sort of feel like nothing ever changes though? I mean, like when you are actually going through things, it feels like nothing is changing and things you want to change just... aren't. But then you wake up and everything is different? Maybe that's just my perception.

I've blogged about change before and I've shared how much I hate it. That I just wish things would stay the same, but you know what? I've realized over the past six months, I have come to love change. Okay, maybe I shouldn't go as far as to say I love change, but I like it and quite a bit actually.

I realized that we as humans are constantly changing, evolving, becoming who we want to be, and why wouldn't we want that to happen? Sure, unexpected change, like my four-year-relationship-to-the-man- I-thought-I-would-marry-change, wasn't fun, but it lead me to where I am today, and where I am today is where I want to be. It led me to take the leap of faith that moving back to Phoenix is where I needed to be, which led me to meeting my best friend, getting a awesome job in my career field and finalllllyyyyyyy going to Grad School. (More on that soon!)

Without change, we stay stagnant. We don't evolve. We can't better ourselves. 

Change is needed. Change is important. Change is good.

Weekly 4 // 2

1. Baby Kitten

2. I cut all my hair off

3. Grandma, mom and sister having campaign for Mother's Day

4. Mesa Temple

Journal Promptings // 1 & 2

This idea and some of the journal promptings have been adopted from Moore Seal blog and her 52 list project. I am doing a sort of spin off of it as I've included some of my own list topics/not used some of her created topics. The goal is weekly list, yet the first two I did monthly, just because time. My hope is to do them weekly, but I will post as they are completed.

Journal Promptings

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 Prompt 1: Words That Touch My Soul

Prompt 2: Greatest Comfort

Happenings Lately // 1

Making: headbands; or more like i am trying to get myself back into sewing & doing them
Cooking: not often. this is something i really have been wanting to start/needing to do
Drinking: diet coke (which i am trying to stop!)
Reading: mostly scriptures lately, unless you count my kids at work intake documents
Wanting: a vacation
Looking: ratchet? ha, i am not happy with my looks right now.
Playing: music
Wasting: too much time on tinder. i know, wtf?
Sewing: see making; working on doing this more often
Wishing: i could find someone who i want to spend my life with who feels the same way in return
Enjoying: the netflix series "The Following"
Waiting: to start losing weight/get healthier
Liking: my own apartment & decorating it
Wondering: if i will like the gym i just signed up for
Loving: the warm weather
Hoping: i start meeting more people to be friends with here
Marvelling: at the new temple
Needing: to feel loved; i need to get an animal or something to keep me happy
Smelling: my new perfume my sister got me for Easter
Wearing: clothes i don't like, ha, i need to go shopping
Following: the news, which usually makes me sad towards our world
Noticing: how pessimistic i am & how badly i need to change this
Knowing: the Gospel will bring me happiness if i turn to it
Thinking: about how much i miss my sweet Angel nephew and all my other family members
Bookmarking: several articles from though catalog
Opening: nothing at this moment
Giggling: about bob's burgers, but i am out of new episodes on netflix. boo!
Feeling: very tired currently

via meet me at mikes blog

Weekly Four // 1

1. Carousel mirror picture

2. Tiny hands holding mine

3. Selfie

4. Two of my nieces with their Easter eggs