2016 word of the year

A few years ago I decided that I would choose a word at the start of each year to kind of guide me through the year that was to come.

In 2014, my word was embrace. What a perfect word it was with so much change that arose to embrace. 2015's word was intention. In specific, to live with intention. This word was also perfect, but also so challenging. I would like to say that I lived with intention all year long, but I know that I struggled. Life can be so complicated, with the hurt, anger, loss, sadness, and even happiness that we experience on a regular basis. Yet, what I can say is I lived with more intent than before and that is something.

Deciding my word for 2016 was challenging. There were several words I held in my mind, all great words with significant meaning, but none of them felt like the one. There were several moments I would believe I decided, and then seconds later think of another word that maybe fit just slightly better... and then it happened. I choose my word for the year.

With a fresh new year, comes the idea and promise of a clean slate, a new start, a chance to renew yourself.  The definitions of renew speak to me; "to make strong again", " to begin again especially with more force or enthusiasm". The extended definition had "to begin again" and "to make extensive changes".

What a perfect word. After all, is the whole point of a fresh new year to reNEW yourself?

We get to choose our shape

"The past doesn't shape or define you!"

How often do we hear that statement after any big, medium, or small, rut/hill/challenge (insert other synonyms here) we face? 

However, even though I understand it's a term used to try to console you, it's so false. Please stop believing it. We are shaped by our past. Take for instance a past relationship; we say that our ex doesn't matter and that the relationship means nothing to us anymore, but we all know this is so far from the truth. It does matter. It matters because we often carry feelings and emotions from that relationship into our new one. We are humans, and humans are vulnerable and easily damaged, and when that damage happens, we carry the pieces around with us. Then pieces from other things, like losing someone you love, not getting a good grade, not getting the promotion you want, (insert any other situation here), add to that load and we end up with this really heavy bag. This heavy bag that will never be lighter, until you unload it.

So don't be fooled, the past does in deed shape us. In good ways or bad ways, or even both. But it shapes us. It doesn't have to define us, that's our decision, but we are shaped. 

The good news though?

We get to choose our shape.

Chasing Life

So a few weeks ago I found myself on Netflix, like I often do in my attempt to avoid the inevitable grad school homework, searching for something to watch. I came across a show titled "Chasing Life" which the synopsis read something along the lines of a girl my age being admitted to the hospital and learning she has cancer. The handy little "we think you'd enjoy this show" Netflix gives suggested I would rate it 5/5. I recall smirking and thinking, "seriously Netflix? Why would I want to watch a show about a girl who has cancer?" but then I pushed play.

I know what you are thinking, why would a empath like me even think to watch a show about cancer, which is an excellent question. I found myself crying (somewhat uncontrollable at times) as I became so invested with the main character and her life. I found myself happy when she was happy, and hurt when she was hurt. I laughed alongside the funny parts and cried at the sad (yes, I know how this is making me sound being this is a fictional TV show). I don't know much about cancer to be honest, but what I do know, is this show, fiction or not, sparked something inside me.

The main character, after being diagnosed, realizes that she wants to really live life and she invest so much time and energy into her work and her relationships. Always caring and putting others first, and really trying to be optimistic, even when she is the one who is sick, who has cancer, for crap sake. Everyone around her tries to get her to just be selfish and to focus on herself, of course, and there are times when she does, even times when she isn't optimistic, but for the majority of it, she is. Now, don't get me wrong, I clearly understand this is a TV show and real-life isn't like this, but wow.

Here I am, a fairly healthy individual (though I have to admit for the first, well, lets just say few days, I was almost convienced I had cancer-like symptoms) who takes life for granted. I may not have a serious illness in which I am told how much longer I have to live, but I also do not have a promise on how much longer I get to live. We hear it all the time that life isn't promised to us, and too often, we are so busy that we forget that.

I don't know about you, but I'm sick of forgetting that, for taking life for granted, for being okay with just surviving... I'm ready to live. I'm ready to chase life...

Sometimes you pour your whole heart into it; and it's still empty.

I don't think I will ever get use to it. Use to the feeling of being hurt by someone. Intentional or unintentional it stings with a bitter pain that can leave you gasping for air hours later.

Many have said that no one can hurt you unless you give them the power too; I don't necissarly disagree with that statement, however, do we not allot a certain amount of power to everyone in our lives? Think about it; our family has the power to hurt us because we unconditionally love them and our friends have the power to hurt us because we depend on them. It is no different in a relationship; we basically rip out our heart and deliver it in a bag marked "please don't destroy it". To me, that's power to hurt you, whether it's given with the expectation or not.

I've also heard conflicting ideas on whether or not it is better to be the person who cares more, or the person who cares less. They say if you're the person who cares less, you are typically the one that is hurt the most in the long run, not necessarily because the relationship (or even several more to come) but eventually, due to the fact that every human wants love and to be loved. Then, of course, there is the belief that being the one who cares the most is the one who is hurt the most, because, well you cared the most, so you are naturally affected the most. I'm not entirely sure which idea I believe as I can see both points of view, however, I am fully aware that I am always the one who cares the most.

I'm always the person who cares a little too much. In everything, not just relationships. My heart is open and tender and too often, I pour my whole heart into things and it comes back empty and it sucks. It really sucks. In those moments I promise myself I'll change. I won't give unconditionally or if I do I won't let it affect me if it comes back empty. But it does. It always affects me. Just like it always affects me when someone hurts me.

I guess it just comes down to the fact that sometimes you can care a little too much... but maybe that's okay, because maybe one day, you won't be the only one caring that much and one day it won't be empty and it will all be worth it. Maybe. One Day.

2 months; 2 five K's

My lovely friend Darla (from my grad cohort class) and I signed up for a 5K Color Obstacle Rush on April 18th. 

I've never been a runner, like literally if I ran, I felt like dying, but a few months prior to this, I started to run in hopes I would develop a love for it and get in shape. The love didn't come (well slightly; emphasis on slightly), but I realized it was a good way to get in shape and it helped prep for this 5K.

Here is the before and after for April...

Almost a month later (2 days short of a month) we participated in the Color Obstacle Rush in Tucson. 

There were some hiccups in the Phx one (like no foam!) and so the company gave everyone who participated in the Phx one the option to do the Tucson one for free.

Darla and I were game...

I have family in Tucson, so one of my sisters and her two little girls were able to come watch and they greeted me with lots of love at the finish line. What a motivator that was!

The color obstacle race was fun... I wonder what's next??

hectic schedules and the most important thing

hec·tic

ˈhektik/

adjective

1. full of incessant or frantic activity. 

"a hectic business schedule"

1. 
   
   

   
   

   
   

   I think this word describes my life, being a 26 year old balancing a full time job in the behavioral health field, going to graduate school full time and attempting to have a semi-normal (emphasis on semi) social life, perfectly. 

   
   

   So often, the dialogue that occurs in my mind is the following; 

   
   

   "Yikes. I'm just so busy." 

   "If I could just find a minute..."

   "How in the world am I suppose to do all this?"

   "When did life get so busy?"

   
   

   To which, I of course, never receive a response. Yet, I spend countless moments stressing about the to-do list at work that didn't get done, or the amount of reading and homework I need to do for class and it prevents me from actually being IN the moment, being fully present, with what I am doing at that time. It's a problem. A problem, I blame on life being so hectic.

   
   

   This past Sunday at church, a video of a busy mom was shown. I've seen it before, but the effect it had on me this time was different. The message from the movie stuck with me:
   
   
   

   "How many things did you get checked off your “to- do” list today? Sometimes, the most important things you do each day were never even on your list. As we help a neighbor or family member, we often overlook the results. You might worry about the things you never get done, but President Gordon B. Hinckley reminds us, “You never know how much good you do.

   
   Along side that message is the conference talk from President Hinckley from Oct 2003, in which one section states : 
   
   
   

   "We all worry about our performance. We all wish we could do better. But unfortunately we do not realize...we do not often see, the results that come of what we do.
   We never realize how much good we do."
   
   How true are these messages? How often do we not realize the effect we have because we are so wrapped up in our hectic life? 

   
   
   

   Sometimes, the things we do are not even part of our hectic schedule, and more often than not, it's the most important thing we can do.

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

   
   

Dear Current Me

Stop. Just stop. 

Stop thinking you're not beautiful just because you wear a bigger size than you use too. 

Stop jumping to conclusions that you aren't intelligent enough for grad school. You have all that evidence (super high A's for 6 months so far) that proves you are. 

Stop thinking you can't balance it all- sure it's a struggle and one area always gets the slack, but you're doing it.

Stop allowing others to affect your mood. They're not worth it.

Stop allowing simple minded guys who are afraid of all the passion and emotion you have to make you feel like you need to hide it. You don't.

Stop being too busy to take care of yourself.

Stop hating that you're such an emotional person. Sure, you cry at the most inconvenient times but it's because you are such a caring and thoughtful person.

Stop telling yourself you have to be perfect in everything. Your not, you won't be, you can't be and no one is. 

So just stop, breathe, give yourself credit and be nice to us.

Love always, 
Yourself

image source: via google/livelifehappy.com